“Sometimes I think I’m flirting with girls.”

I’ve started hunting around in my garage for some juicy relics to use for this project. I’ve always saved everything, but that doesn’t mean I remember that I have it or where it has been stashed. Tonight I went down looking for a particular diary I know exists. Instead I found the most amazing piece of a journal. I say piece because it’s about 15 pages that has been carelessly torn out of something. Part of the binding is left on the edges of the paper and a whole corner is disconnected, simply hanging by bits of tape. It’s dated 10-14-86. It’s clearly some kind of self-confessional binge. As soon as I saw the first line I knew I had discovered a personal treasure. Here’s how it starts (word for word and unedited):

Sometimes I think I’m flirting with girls. I touch them a lot on the arms or hands or shoulders while I’m talking to them. Sometimes I touch their hair if I am really enjoying myself. I use lots of eye contact and look a little deeper than most would. Sometimes I even send a sexy look and inside I am secretly hoping they will notice it. Or sometimes if someone really smiles at me I let myself get embarrassed and show it by quickly turning away and smiling shyly. Some girls I know joke about sexually being attracted to me. I really pick up on this and love it. If they say stuff to me I sometimes literally get turned on. I hardly seem to joke back except with my eyes. I feel uncomfortable joking back but I like being joked with. I guess it’s safe because anything real can be hidden with a laugh.

Some of my friends that I flirt with seem to flirt back after awhile. I like this. I look forward to it and start it sometimes. I tickle a lot and in turn am tickled. Some people that I know feel uncomfortable with touching but can tickle all they want to it seems.

I have one friend, Jolene, who will tickle me rather roughly and daringly and often times leans her whole body against mine or “accidently” pulls me around her. I love these moments. She’s so soft and cuddly and I don’t get excited but I get warm all over and what I want is simply a continuation of what is goin on. This is a person who isn’t very comfortable with hugs. I have my fantasies about her though.

They always take place at her house. We are looking deeply into each other’s eyes, as we often do, and my feelings and desire to be touched starts really growing. I finally look away because I can’t stand it anymore. She asks me what’s wrong and all I have to do it glance at her again and she knows. She says something like, “Hey it’s okay. You know you can feel anything you want to and express it to me.” Well then I am so full of emotion I can’t move and I feel like crying. She comes over to me and takes my hand. It feels so good but I can’t take it back. She takes me down the hall and into her room. I feel like I’m floating and my anxiety level is at its highest. I plaster myself against the wall as she goes to her bed and sits there softly smiling at me. After an uncomfortable minute or two where I have begun to ache all over she asks me not to be so afraid and to come give her a hug because that’s what I want. Somehow I tell her I thought she didn’t want to and her response is, “If you don’t come over here I’ll come over there.” I look up at her and she starts over to me. She stops so she is standing an inch away from me and is just staring down at me pleasantly. I’m starting to really breathe heavily and I want to touch her so badly. She’s making me suffer and enjoying it. She says, “Ask me for what you want and I’ll give it to you.” I can’t speak. I am telling her with my eyes but she wants me to say it. Finally I say, “Please hold me.” She then take my arms and pulls me slowly against her. Then we hold each other very tightly. I’m beginning to get a little out of touch with my feelings because they are becoming extremely strong. It’s intense. She asks me quietly if this is turning me on and this just makes me want her closer. This intensity lasts for awhile and then it’s over.

I think this was written about two years before I came out. It’s so interesting to me what is revealed in my choice of words and in the creation of my fantasy. How could I be so clear about my feelings but still try to deny the sexual aspect? It’s a little laughable. What seems to be the biggest turn on was having my attraction witnessed and then accepted. I think that may have become a theme throughout my sexual journey.

This journal excerpt goes on to describe my feelings for all of my key friends in high school. More from this coming soon…