Straight Girls

What was in it for me? What was in it for them? I could almost ask those questions in the present tense, but in keeping with my theme I’ll (try) to stick to my “pre-coming out” days because I think the answers would be somewhat different if I asked them today.

For me:

Of course if a girl was straight… wait a minute! Before I came out they were all straight. No, really, no one was “out” at my middle or high schools (that I knew of). I’m not saying there weren’t gay people, obviously. As a matter of fact, when I did come out my senior year I wrote an article for our school paper explaining that – according to the predominantly accepted 1 in 10 stat (at the time) there were 71 students and 5 faculty at our school. As you might imagine, a very lively debate ensued after my English teacher let me print that, but that’s a story for another time…

A straight girl was clearly into boys. They were clearly unavailable to me. They were clearly not interested in me in “that way”. What an easy recipe for unrequited love, or mixing up a crush. It was practically guaranteed. And there was no shortage of ingredients. I could find at least one girl in each class that let me touch her hair, stare at her, or send her notes. At least one girl that would return my smile and lock eyes with me for as long as it would take for the yearning rush to come in waves up my body until I started to blush. I could often hold that high until the next class, the next friend was spotted, or I could write my next note. (How I ever managed to get A’s in school is beyond me!)

For them:

So, what did they get out of it? Why did they like to joke with me about being able to turn me on? Why did they touch my arm, hold my hand, invite me into their beds to give them back-rubs on bare skin? Why did they let me brush their hair? Carry their books? Watch them get dressed and put on their lipstick? Did they simply like the attention from someone “safe”? My attention was laced with flirtation, sexual hunger, and an appreciation for their beauty – and they didn’t have to do any sort of posturing for me. I just expressed my pure love – my desire to lavish them with compliments, love letters, and body rubs. Who would say no to that!?

Was it that simple? Or could it be that our sexuality is truly more fluid than we think and that before our “orientations” are formally named, there is a freedom that allows for diversity and exploration? Did these straight girls actually have feelings for me too? Did they respond to me because I offered it all up and handed them a willing playmate? Did they simply find themselves, later in life, on the higher end of the Kinsey scale – and therefore happy and satisfied with their boyfriends/husbands – never to look back?