In Bed With Meckenzie

I just found a jewel. It’s a notebook I kept in high school my senior year. I’m sure I referred to it as my “gay notebook”. It has all kinds of fliers for events, articles, and stories I wrote. I can’t wait another minute to add this one to the blog. Much of this story is true. I did end up in bed with Meckenzie, giving her one of my famous massages. Her back was bare and I was touching skin. The rest is, well, imagined…

Driving her home from school was the one regular privileges she allowed me, although she had to know some of the others I hoped for. She had me feeling hot that day so I was conspictuously checking her out. The outfit she had on was my personal favorite, and made her even more gorgeous – if that was possible. The black shirt with the high frequency blue jacket almost covered her extremely short black skirt. As she angled her legs against the dashboard, her skirt doubled up almost to exposure, causing me to stare. She flipped the mirror down, checking her hair and face with a dissatisfied pout. Slowly, she applied a bright red lipstick from one corner of her mouth to the other. A quick glance just as she licked her lips wet made my stomach roll.

We pulled up to her house and as awlays I took my time gathering myself so I could watch her climb out of the car, revealing the back of her legs and their muscle. Then I trailed behind her feeling my usual insecurity about entering her house. As soon as we got through the door she ran off to the bathroom. This gave me a chance to take a few deep breaths. I plopped down on the floor in front of the T.V. in a ray of sun coming through the window. I took note of the scratchy rug where it had been dried by the heat. She returned and sat on the far end of the couch as she always did so that she could offer the seat next to her, which I never accepted. She picked up a Cosmopoliton and started thumbing through it as we sat in a thick silence. I just watched her read. A few times she peered over at me and smiled, knowing I’m sure, how much I wanted her but trusting me all the same.

Finally in her pleading voice – the one that makes me go weak – she asked me if I would do her a favor. I knew exactly what she meant. It’s what she always wanted and I always tired now, and my hands hurt from writing so much in English today.”

“Please? You can’t be in that bad of shape. I feel so stressed. It would feel so good.”

It’s the way she says, “Soooo gooood” that gets me. My cheeks get instantaneously red and hot and I know that if I try to fight it anymore I will only embarrass myself. A sharp pain of pleasure pierces me as I stand up. I half stagger over to her. She is carfeully positioning herself on her stomach so I can sit behind her and still reach her back. I sit down and deeply inhale her presence. It takes so much will to reach out to her that first time. My hands are trembling. I am warning myself the whole time to behave because I’m afraid I’lll just start running my hands all over her body. It’s like being afraid that you will pull a fire alarm just because it’s so compelling not to. I simply start massaging her and she responds instantly by groaning. My heart leaps. I hold my breath. She starts thanking me in the way she knows I want to hear.

“Oh God! That feels great. You are so good. Thank you for doing this. You don’t know how good that feels. Oh yes – right there. Up a little higher. Oh, yes that’s it.”

Part of me wants to tell her to shut up. I can’t take it. I can feel my temperature rising, and the quick desiring throbs from between my legs starting. I try concentrating on what I’m doing instread of what my body wants me to do. My hands find their second wind and I know I will be able to rub her as long as she wants, without getting tired.

I know her back so well. It’s the only part of her I have ever touched. The upper right shoulder balde is a sensative spot. I know she will reward me with gasping sounds if I touch her there. I usually stay away from her lower back. I know that she is tense there, but she never responds so I don’t know what she thinks of it. It’s almost like she freezes up. But this time my hands seem to follow my eyes and there I am. This time as my hands approach her waistline she clutches the cusions on the couch and holds her breath.

Abruptly, she sits up. “Enough already?” I try to ask in a not-so-disappointed voice – my hands aching as she pulls away from me.

“No. I’m just not very comfortable here today. Maybe it’s what I’m wearing. Wait here and I’m going to get out of these clothes and get into my bed and then you can come in there and finish what you’ve started.”

‘Out of her clothes’?! There was something in the way she said it too. My insides were starting to flip-flop. She got up and just smiled at me for a long second. I must have looked terrified or stunned or desperate. She let her hand slide across my shoulders and neck as she turned and walked off to her room. I was paralized. What does she mean? What is she doing? I can’t deal with this! Oh God. I’m dying. I’m dying. If she calls me in there I’m going to have to say no. It’s too risky. I want her so badly. And I don’t trust myself.

My thoughts are interrupted. “You can come in now if you still want to rub my back. I feel much more comfortable now. Are you coming?” I couldn’t feel my knees as I stood up. I walked down the hall wiping my damp hands off on my jeans. I felt my face. I was hot. I got to her room and looked in through the half-opened door. I froze. There she wasy lying on her bed. There was her beautiful bare back. No bra. Nothing. My eyes following her spine down to the edge of the covers. A teasing trace of lacy underwear stuck out perfectly, as if the covers had been placed there with great care.

I was not only shocked, but I was scared. What was I supposed to do? I hadn’t felt her skin before. I had only dreamed of how soft it must be. She turned her head to look at me. I suddenly realized how long I had been standing there staring.

“What’s the problem?” She asked in a teasing voice. I couldn’t believe my eyes or my ears! I did not answer.

Somehow I walked over and crawled onto the bed, took a deep breath, and just touched her. She shivered. I folded my leg beneath me so that I could sit on it, applying pressure between my legs. I had to control myself.

I began to massage her. I sat far enough away from her that I had to extend my arms all the way out to reach her neck. Every time I stretched to reach her I became more excited. I rocked on the heel of my foot, and approached her body with mine – just before the point of contact.

I started to lose myself in all of the excitement and my hands slowed down unconciously. My squeezing turned to stroking. I started to breath heavily. Then I realized she was breathing with me. That’s when something shifted.

In gasps she told me to sit on her lower back. She mumbled something about applying my weight to a spot where she needed it most. I agreed because I wasn’t reasoning anymore.

I moved on top of her. The blood rose to my ears, and I was now tingling all over. My strokes covered the full length of her back. There was nothing but intensity.

Without giving it a thought, I slid back further onto her butt and let all of my weight flow into her. I could feel her every muscle tighten and relax underneath me. I tensed and relaxed with her. It took everything not to moan, not to scream, not to cry. I shut my eyes tightly and hoped I could keep myself from wimpering and just enjoy the ride.

Then the totally unexpected happened. She asked me to lift up for a second. I did. She rolled over. I froze. I looked at two perfect breasts. Then a wide smile. It was somewhat mischievious.

Then our eyes met. Hers were soft, yet exctied. They knew more than I did. Had she planned this? She touched my hands that were still holding me up and sked me to sit down again. I started to move away. “No. Please stay on top of me. Don’t you want to?”

“What? Why are you…”

She reached up with both arms and pulled at my neck. Her eyes remained friendly, but her face became stern. “Kiss me now.”

As I leaned down her nails slid down my back. I lightly brushed her lips with mine, but she wanted more. Her nails dug into me as her tongue plunged into my mouth. I was surprised at the strength of her lips and kissed back with equal force. I tried to keep silent, but to no availe. When I started to moan her nails dug deeper and I knew there was no going back.

I slid my legs from her sides and stretched out fully on top of her. She reached under my shirt and lightly stroked my bare skin. I felt her open her eyes, so I did the same. We stopped kissing. I leaned back to look at her suddenly frightened again. But she didn’t stop touching me. “Are you okay?”

I nodded, but she saw my vulnerability. “What are you thinking?” she asked quietly.

I tried to find my voice. “What am I thinking? I’m… I don’t know. I’m shocked. I feel…” I clamped my jaw shut and looked away. Her stroking stopped but her hands remained on me.

“Am I doing something you don’t want me to do?” I turned red and almost giggled. If she only knew how I had dreamed of this!

I looked back at her. She was looking hard at me. “I want you.” She was serious. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn’t think of anything to say. I couldn’t think at all. Her knee rose up bewteen my legs and pushed me up towards her again. We both groaned. Her arms encircled me tightly and our mouths met again, with even more hunger this time. Our bodies began to move together.

This is how we made love.

 

 

Meckenzie – more from “…flirting with girls”

Here’s the next excerpt from Sometimes I think I’m flirting with girls:

I flirt with Meckenzie by complimenting her all the time. I tell her how beautiful she looks and how much I like to hear her speak and how much I admire her. Once when asked how I thought she did during cheer-leading practice, I told her in a note that I couldn’t stop watching her because she moves so well. That was embarrassing and I shocked myself. She liked it, was shocked a little, but she seemed flattered.

She’s what I would call sexy. It’s mostly her manners and her personality. I think she’s pretty. She has very nice legs. I would watch her a lot in English and she knows it. She often turns and gives me the biggest smile! I love her smiles. I told her that one time. I also told her I liked eye contact so I think that’s why she looks at me so much.

My fantasy is not very intense but very pleasant: We are leaving History class and I’m ahead of her as usual. I look back at her one last time to see if I can get a goodbye and she says, “Hey, come here. I want to talk to you about something” Then she turns and walks around the corner of the building where no one is. I follow her very curious. When I get around the corner she takes my arm and says, “I see the way you look at me and I know you feel a lot for me. I really like it when you share your thoughts with me and say you admire me. Well, I feel for you too. I’m really attracted to you and I live to get a smile from you and that something special in your eyes. You say I’m sexy? Well, you are too. Anytime you want to get together and talk about it you let me know, OK?” Before I can answer she hugs me and bites my ear. Then she giggles and walks aways just leaving me there shocked.

My favorite part about this story is the fact that the climax to my fantasy is that Meckenzie is offering to “talk” to me about my feelings any time I want! This story just continues the theme of wanting my feelings to be accepted. In this case she admits to feeling for me too. I can still feel what it was like when she did take my arm while she was talking to me… *sigh*

“Sometimes I think I’m flirting with girls.”

I’ve started hunting around in my garage for some juicy relics to use for this project. I’ve always saved everything, but that doesn’t mean I remember that I have it or where it has been stashed. Tonight I went down looking for a particular diary I know exists. Instead I found the most amazing piece of a journal. I say piece because it’s about 15 pages that has been carelessly torn out of something. Part of the binding is left on the edges of the paper and a whole corner is disconnected, simply hanging by bits of tape. It’s dated 10-14-86. It’s clearly some kind of self-confessional binge. As soon as I saw the first line I knew I had discovered a personal treasure. Here’s how it starts (word for word and unedited):

Sometimes I think I’m flirting with girls. I touch them a lot on the arms or hands or shoulders while I’m talking to them. Sometimes I touch their hair if I am really enjoying myself. I use lots of eye contact and look a little deeper than most would. Sometimes I even send a sexy look and inside I am secretly hoping they will notice it. Or sometimes if someone really smiles at me I let myself get embarrassed and show it by quickly turning away and smiling shyly. Some girls I know joke about sexually being attracted to me. I really pick up on this and love it. If they say stuff to me I sometimes literally get turned on. I hardly seem to joke back except with my eyes. I feel uncomfortable joking back but I like being joked with. I guess it’s safe because anything real can be hidden with a laugh.

Some of my friends that I flirt with seem to flirt back after awhile. I like this. I look forward to it and start it sometimes. I tickle a lot and in turn am tickled. Some people that I know feel uncomfortable with touching but can tickle all they want to it seems.

I have one friend, Jolene, who will tickle me rather roughly and daringly and often times leans her whole body against mine or “accidently” pulls me around her. I love these moments. She’s so soft and cuddly and I don’t get excited but I get warm all over and what I want is simply a continuation of what is goin on. This is a person who isn’t very comfortable with hugs. I have my fantasies about her though.

They always take place at her house. We are looking deeply into each other’s eyes, as we often do, and my feelings and desire to be touched starts really growing. I finally look away because I can’t stand it anymore. She asks me what’s wrong and all I have to do it glance at her again and she knows. She says something like, “Hey it’s okay. You know you can feel anything you want to and express it to me.” Well then I am so full of emotion I can’t move and I feel like crying. She comes over to me and takes my hand. It feels so good but I can’t take it back. She takes me down the hall and into her room. I feel like I’m floating and my anxiety level is at its highest. I plaster myself against the wall as she goes to her bed and sits there softly smiling at me. After an uncomfortable minute or two where I have begun to ache all over she asks me not to be so afraid and to come give her a hug because that’s what I want. Somehow I tell her I thought she didn’t want to and her response is, “If you don’t come over here I’ll come over there.” I look up at her and she starts over to me. She stops so she is standing an inch away from me and is just staring down at me pleasantly. I’m starting to really breathe heavily and I want to touch her so badly. She’s making me suffer and enjoying it. She says, “Ask me for what you want and I’ll give it to you.” I can’t speak. I am telling her with my eyes but she wants me to say it. Finally I say, “Please hold me.” She then take my arms and pulls me slowly against her. Then we hold each other very tightly. I’m beginning to get a little out of touch with my feelings because they are becoming extremely strong. It’s intense. She asks me quietly if this is turning me on and this just makes me want her closer. This intensity lasts for awhile and then it’s over.

I think this was written about two years before I came out. It’s so interesting to me what is revealed in my choice of words and in the creation of my fantasy. How could I be so clear about my feelings but still try to deny the sexual aspect? It’s a little laughable. What seems to be the biggest turn on was having my attraction witnessed and then accepted. I think that may have become a theme throughout my sexual journey.

This journal excerpt goes on to describe my feelings for all of my key friends in high school. More from this coming soon…