The Crush as Separate

Someone recently suggested to me that one thing that might be so compelling about crush is that it is, by definition, separate. Having crushed out feelings allows me to have all the positive feelings about someone – admiration, idealization, lust – without any fear of merging. I am clearly separate. (See post about yearning.) I can stay with my feelings without getting wrapped up in the other person’s feelings. Sure, I fantasize about their feelings. I try to imagine what they are thinking, what they are feeling, but that’s just it – I’m able to have all kinds of imaginings not really based on reality. As a matter of fact, it’s true that once the confession (in high school) occurred and their response was real – I tended to move along to the next. Hmm… is there something in that? Is that laying the groundwork for serial monogamy?

Straight Girls

What was in it for me? What was in it for them? I could almost ask those questions in the present tense, but in keeping with my theme I’ll (try) to stick to my “pre-coming out” days because I think the answers would be somewhat different if I asked them today.

For me:

Of course if a girl was straight… wait a minute! Before I came out they were all straight. No, really, no one was “out” at my middle or high schools (that I knew of). I’m not saying there weren’t gay people, obviously. As a matter of fact, when I did come out my senior year I wrote an article for our school paper explaining that – according to the predominantly accepted 1 in 10 stat (at the time) there were 71 students and 5 faculty at our school. As you might imagine, a very lively debate ensued after my English teacher let me print that, but that’s a story for another time…

A straight girl was clearly into boys. They were clearly unavailable to me. They were clearly not interested in me in “that way”. What an easy recipe for unrequited love, or mixing up a crush. It was practically guaranteed. And there was no shortage of ingredients. I could find at least one girl in each class that let me touch her hair, stare at her, or send her notes. At least one girl that would return my smile and lock eyes with me for as long as it would take for the yearning rush to come in waves up my body until I started to blush. I could often hold that high until the next class, the next friend was spotted, or I could write my next note. (How I ever managed to get A’s in school is beyond me!)

For them:

So, what did they get out of it? Why did they like to joke with me about being able to turn me on? Why did they touch my arm, hold my hand, invite me into their beds to give them back-rubs on bare skin? Why did they let me brush their hair? Carry their books? Watch them get dressed and put on their lipstick? Did they simply like the attention from someone “safe”? My attention was laced with flirtation, sexual hunger, and an appreciation for their beauty – and they didn’t have to do any sort of posturing for me. I just expressed my pure love – my desire to lavish them with compliments, love letters, and body rubs. Who would say no to that!?

Was it that simple? Or could it be that our sexuality is truly more fluid than we think and that before our “orientations” are formally named, there is a freedom that allows for diversity and exploration? Did these straight girls actually have feelings for me too? Did they respond to me because I offered it all up and handed them a willing playmate? Did they simply find themselves, later in life, on the higher end of the Kinsey scale – and therefore happy and satisfied with their boyfriends/husbands – never to look back?

Define:Yearn

I think crush has everything to do with yearn. I can identify feelings of yearning exactly by their location in my body. When I described this feeling to a friend – explaining the significant differences between the feelings of want and those of yearn – she said it sounded like yearning included the space between the sacral (or navel) chakra and the base (or sex) chakra. I think that’s it exactly.

If I want someone it’s a clear and direct feeling (you know, from deep inside that sex chakra). Generally it comes with a clear picture in my head of how I want them.

If I yearn for someone it’s much more complex. I feel the feeling of want, but along with it comes a burning sensation just below the sacral chakra. It’s a sensation associated with shame or exposure or vulnerability. It feels like hunger. It feels empty and full simultaneously. It’s swimming in need, but without definition. It hurts, yet feels like being on a high.

Here are some definitions I found for Yearn:

1. desire strongly or persistently (synonym) hanker, long (hypernym) desire, want (hyponym) ache, yen, pine, languish (derivation) longer, thirster, yearner

2. have a desire for something or someone who is not present; “She ached for a cigarette”; “I am pining for my lover” (synonym) ache, yen, pine, languish (hypernym) hanker, long (hyponym) die (derivation) longer, thirster, yearner

3. have affection for; feel tenderness for (hypernym) care for, cherish, hold dear, treasure

For me the yearning doesn’t seem to find relief. The wanting can be fulfilled, but the yearning seems to live on – simply changing its object of desire. Yearning seems to create energy for me. It seems to be a life-force behind my creativity – my desire to be awake instead of asleep. It seems to operate in my system like a drug; the more I feel it, the more I want to feel it. Sometimes I think I must be addicted to it. I guess I yearn to yearn.

I want the pain and pleasure combination that comes from feeling the yearn; from being crushed out. And I’ve been hooked on it for the last twenty-five years.

It’s like the flip/flop in the pit of my stomach when the roller-coaster is momentarily suspended in time, just over the crest of the tippy-top of the steepest hill. When the roller-coaster finally comes to a stop and I exit, I am in utter disbelief that I have I survived at all – thinking it was one of the scariest moments of my life. Then I amaze myself by racing back in line to wait for another chance flirt with danger. This time the body memory is fresh and morphs into another wonderful feeling – anticipation.

Welcome to The Crushed Out Project!

I will use this place to collect my thoughts, stories, and musings about crush. This project will be about everything related to having crushes, feeling “crushed out,” and unrequited love.

What I’m most fascinated by is the time before I came out as a lesbian. I’m calling this time period my “pre-coming out” days. This was roughly between 1980 and 1989. I’m really interested in examining what was going on for me. Where did all of those feelings come from and what made them so incredibly intense? Before really getting that I was gay, I seemed to express (over and over) my devoted love to my best friends. Then I would wait in excruciating pain for them to return my love. Mostly they did not, but almost always my love was accepted. Afterwards I felt a sense of relief for not being rejected, but because the intensity was not actually returned I never felt the other kind of Relief. So, then I guess I felt crushed.

Everyone has crushes. Everyone can relate to the exquisite pain and pleasure experienced in the yearning that comes along with unrequited love. Share your stories with me. If you’ve got something from the 80s please be sure to include a relevant song. No doubt the music of that decade was made for sappy, nostalgic lovers like you and me!